Denial never takes it away

for others it always stays

wake up one day

on top of the world

never go back

Be blindly happy

If only I could stop thinking.

Standing in the rain

I felt so alone.

Now you’re gone

And so’s the pain,

I’m not crazy.

You say my mind is hazy.

I say your mind is lazy.

Picking flowers in Cambodia

Used to be so fun.

Now the sunshine’s gone

And I wait for you,

Alone in the rain.

They say it’s such a shame

To always stay the same

And to never change

But, have they ever had a chance

To stand alone in the rain?

I'm afraid

of so many things

of my own thoughts

of the voices in my head

constantly taunting me

afraid of being insane

afraid of someone finding out I’m insane

afraid of talking

afraid of being happy

afraid of the cheapness of happiness

afraid of the awkwardness

afraid of being taken away

afraid of losing it all

afraid of not knowing you

afraid of you taking over me

afraid of being sad

afraid of not knowing the future

afraid of not knowing myself

afraid of never getting away from myself

afraid of not being able to be truthful to myself

afraid of not living

afraid of being depressed

afraid of doctors

afraid of you

you scare me

you make me face all these things

afraid to lose myself and never come back

afraid that I will never make it

afraid of seeing the edge

afraid the edge will swallow me

what the hell is wrong with being sad?

why is happy so good?

Black is my favorite color

And I haven't wondered why

Like vanilla ice cream

Melting on an apple pie.

I often ask myself

How you could possibly love me

Dead silence so I can think

Why don't you go get me a drink?

I watch the bright stars

on the black canvas sky

I smile aloud

When I see I'm dead.

your touch

like ice

makes me warm

away from harm

Did you know you're my best friend?

Never changing with the trends

Always speaking

Never thinking

"helpful drinking"

sad like me

and no one knows

taking down our mental foes.

something so beautiful

it can't be seen

something so sharp

it can't be felt

something so cold

it can't be breathed

something so fresh

it can't be smelled

something so salty

it can't be tasted

something so loud

it can’t be heard

Friends for so long,

closer than anything

so far apart

never really trusted me

never believed in me

never loved me

let me leave my mind

left me behind

in a cold cloud of dust

left me to my coffee and cigarettes

alone and deprived

I sat and wrote a poem

expresses my stolid silence

pretending you cared

made me feel better

unwelcome reality knocked on my door,

threw me off my feet.

I sit here with the phone to my ear

expecting you to pick up

expecting the phone to ring

expecting the phone to dial itself

expecting the pain to disappear

expecting to hear your voice

expecting the tears not to fall ,

and the questions not to start

expecting everything to be all right

expecting it to be all over

expecting you to go away

expecting you to forget and to pretend

pick up the phone you mother fucker

pick it up and leave me alone

In all my life,

If I had one wish,

I would wish for happiness,

I despise sadness,

Ruining my relations,

Killing my inspirations.

Feeling isolated

And over demonstrated,

Kind of hated

So Unpretty

So comfortable I could vomit.

Forever lasts to long.

Longer than all the songs,

To long for me to sit and ponder.

Sadness stays, and never goes away,

Not even if I want to go and play.

I wish you were here

To kiss away my tears

And chase away the fear.

I wish I could see the future,

Put my arms around you,

Tell you I do love you.

Say it's alright,

And mean it.

Never knowing if we'd achieve it.

I know we've had our problems

I know we don't see eye to eye.

That's not why I love you.

The music plays and plays.

You know we never change.

Roll and smoke our names.

Always hear the same

But always rearrange

Always wonder

When does it end?

I sense the pain

Without the sound.

Please don't deny me

This unobtainable

sacrilegious mercy.

I awoke in shame,

Rose and spoke your name.

My soul splitting in two,

With or without you.

Shards of glass on the floor

You know I need more

I know you need more.

So rich yet,

So poor.

Wanting nothing more.

Silent candles

Whisper your name

Awake me from shame.

When we were young you would beckon me from the playground;

“Come play with me, my friend.”

When we went to school you stated;

“Come teach me, my friend.”

When you got your first car you told me;

“Come drive with me my friend.”

Now that we are old we e-mail each other saying;

“Haven’t seen you in so long, maybe we should get together sometime.”

Sometimes I wonder...

What is the purpose of life?

Why are we here?

Why does anything exist?

We work all our lives for what?

money?

support?

exception?

security?

Why do we need these things?

We're born, we go to school, we go to work,

We retire, we die.

What is the point of everything in between?

We go to school to get a better job to make more money.

Why do we want money?

Pleasure, possessions, things that make us happy.

Therefore life is just one big trip.

So we're back to the problem.

Why do we do this?

Why do we spend our time always dealing with this shit?

Why don't we just die and get it over with?

Why are we scared of death?

Why are we attached to this life?

It's the circle- you live, you die, someone eats your remains.

Is anybody really satisfied with their life?

No. Nobody can be really satisfied.

If anybody was completely satisfied there would be no war and fighting.

It's like I can't handle reality,

Because in reality I'm not good enough for anyone,

I'm not afraid of anything but my own mind.

I try to let it all escape on to paper in my poetry,

But some stays there and just gets bottled up,

And when I release it, it is just aimless rage, which,

Lashes out upon unfairly found victims.

And it is not me, I am usually a laid back calm person.

Scar tissue on my heart builds up inside me.

It is impossible to remove.

I swallow my feelings, never letting them show.

There is a sore from it.

I can feel it gnawing at me.

I don't know why it stays.

Why it won't leave.

Why it won't wipe clean like a whiteboard.

Why they won't leave me alone.

Why I escape into XTC, weed, or drink.

Why I can't handle it.

Why no one understands.

Why no one cares.

Why I care what they think.

Why I care what anyone thinks.

Why they don't care about me.

Why all I ever talk about anymore is me.

Why I am not as smart as I used to be.

Why I feel like I need to impress them,

Or be what they want me to be,

Why I can't be myself.

Why I feel I need to be categorized into them,

Why just when I think I have it all figured out,

I am alerted I am wrong.

I know what this is.

I know what is wrong with me.

My problem is that I cannot find myself.

I don't know who I am.

All I am is an imposter, a fake,

Nothing but a vapor,

I don't exist. 

Cappuccino and Prozac

1 I can't sleep

    I'm so tired,

    I could weep,

    But with a cappuccino I'll be wired.

5 Someone knocked me over

    And I almost lost my pace,

    But I got up, even though

    Everyone called me a disgrace.

    Never discovered my talents,

10 Until I was to old to care,

    Now they are dull and not sharp,

    But as always I will fare.

    My heros, all musicians,

    With lots of nasty habits,

15 Are all dead, never to be seen again.

    Overdosed, deceased, heroin addicts.

    For a while, depressed,

    Always wearing black,

    Never wearing a smile,

20 Lately, I never go back.

    People see my scars

    And always think I'm different,

    "Fragile: Handle with care"

    Gosh, what an inference.

25 All this talk about

    Birds and fears,

    Has me very close

    To a new line of tears.

    My mental status is unstable.

30 Just because I hear voices,

    Doesn't make me unable

    To make my own choices.

   

    From Ritalin to Prozac.

    Always have to have something stronger.

35 From marijuana to heroin.

    Something that might last longer.

    Always hunger for knowledge

    Always to anxious to think.

    Will I ever make it to college?

40 Not me, I'll probably sink.

    Why do we hate

    Based on race?

    When do we learn?

    We all have a soul and a face.

45 Everyone's in such a hurry,

    Keeping a quick pace.

    Don't slow down,

    Someone else might win the race.

   

    Maybe someday

50 I'll shoot myself in the head,

    Like Kurt Cobain did,

    And everyone will see my bloodshed.

    Maybe I'll do to many drugs,

    O.D. laying on the floor.

55 With a needle in my arm,

    Step through the distant door.

    Maybe it's all to late,

    I'll slit my wrists,

    Watch blue turn to red,

60 While clenching the razor in my tight fist.

I think about it more often lately,

Almost never stop thinking about it.

I can see it in my mind,

See the blood,

Taste the wonderful salt touching the blade,

Smell the pain floating away,

Sense the beautiful relief

Say goodbye to the anxiety.

I finger my knife,

I keep it with me,

Just knowing its presence,

Makes me feel secure.

Here I am again

Lonely

Directionless

It's another night

Where all that occupies

My mind's eye

Is the searing hot metal

Clamoring from a barrel

Through my throat

Exploding through flesh

Shattering bone

Terminating processes

Leaving a scarlet pool

Embracing a tragic

Long awaited ending

To a too long story

So perfect for me

That’s what you are

There’s no other way to put it

You make me shine like a star

You bring out the best in me

You show me your love

You’re always there for me

And so I give you my love

So perfect for me

That’s what you are

You’re all I’ve ever wanted

I could not ask for more

Sweet, caring, and loving you are.

It’s a dream come true

A wish come true on a star

So perfect for me

That’s what you are

Everything you’ll be

And everything you do.

You can always count on me

To always be there for you

So perfect for me

That’s what you are.

Emma,

As you grow

You'll come to know

Life's ups and downs

But don't fuss or frown

Keep that smile,

Trust me, it will take you miles.

Finally, be yourself,

Trust yourself,

Love yourself.

Kissing your lips

Is like closing my eyes

And floating into

The great beyond

Holding you close to me

Feels like true inner peace

Your scent floating

Up into my nostrils

Like a beautiful rose

You get me high

And I can't get

Enough of you.

My natural high

Is experiencing

The world

I want to spend

The rest of my life

Experiencing

The world

With you

Morbidly obese

She stands at the far

End of the food court

Gut peaking out from

Beneath a too small

But the biggest they sold

Shirt.

Staring with eyes

Heavy with the weight

Of drooping cheeks,

Skin that has melted

Over the years

Deciding which

Front will host her frenzy

Fast food, chinese, or subs.

Rosy cheeks glistening,

Sweat yielded from

The escalator,

The huff huff wheeze

The breaths of rest. 

You floated away

Into the night

Like a summers dream

Come and gone

As suddenly you

Had appeared

So you'd left

And as soon as

I had felt love

It disappeared from sight

She's so irritating

(you're so irritating)

I can't lose her, I'm trying so hard

(maybe if I sit here and ignore you

Long enough I'll lose you…let's hope)

She's so annoying

(you're so annoying)

I'm just hanging out with her 'cuz I feel bad

(the only reason you're in my presence right

Now is because I feel bad for you)

A tub of popcorn please

Extra butter?  Definitely.

What?  A gallon of soda for

Three more bucks?

Sure, why not.

Throw in some candy too?

Bulk? Yeah.

You guys should sell

Fried dough, you'd make a killing.

Ooo and french fries.

French fries are the perfect

Movie snack,

With cheese, chili,

And some sour cream.

Thanks, I'm good to munch

For the next two hours.

Can't you guys make these

Seats any bigger?

We sit here

In almost complete

Silence.

It's not warm enough

To fish quite yet

With our

Beer guts and

Shoes with no socks

Awaiting lures

And bait

We'll take the food

Court instead

Pant legs rising to our shins

Showing arthritic ankles

Our jaws they tremble

White hairs on our chins

As we mumble

Dentures secure,

But every once in a while

We slur our words

A little drool

A little spittle

Just sitting here

Till fishing season.

This becomes my

Own private addiction

Taken to my personal place

I withdraw from sharing my space

No more social distractions

Just me and this habit forming

Taking me deeper into the lies

And deception

Slowly I become what I am not

Roll and tumble

Fall in folly

Losing myself

Like a pilgrim without a map

My compass is broken

Navigational retreat

Two red bulls

My own personal

Pot of coffee

An eighth

Some pain killers

A pack of newp's

A little nyquil

Some vodka

And celexa 20 mils

Elated sedation

A body in chaos

Pull the trigger

You know you want to

Just one little click

And it's all over

The screaming

The internal bleeding

Sleepless nights

And voices in conflict

The hopelessness

The emptiness

Send my corpse

To burn

Send this body

To rot

I don't care

I won't be here

Every night I pray

To a god I'm not

Sure is there

Pleading to keep

What I've been given

To not have stripped from me

The greatest gift

I've been blessed with

This woman

This woman so beautiful

So kind so strong

This woman I can't

Help falling for

This woman so sweet and lovely

This lady that captivates

My restless heart

This amazing lover

Who is everything I'd dreamt of

God, let me keep her.

Write for the inspiration

Write for the boredom

Write for the potential

Write for the opportunity

Just write.

Her giant eyes

Hiding behind darkened lenses

And I think to myself

'The sun stole her soul'

So for today

I can't read her

I'm not sure what

She's thinking

Those windows are closed

And I start to sweat

Like I'm locked in a sauna

She grins with a

Smile of anonymity

I fidget with

A nervous uncertainty

She likes to see me squirm

And she knows she's got me

So I break and fall apart

Shear satisfaction

She picks me back up

Puts me together

And kisses my lips

Like she had no other intention

When does this stop?

When do we get serious?

When do we straighten up?

When do we let go of the excuses?

Do what we we're meant to do

Be who we we're meant to be

Rise above these chains

That keep us bound and captive

When do we break free?

Is this path of self-destruction eternal?

Or just cyclic?

What will it take?

My family disappointed

Health deteriorating

Friendships fading

When does that reality check come?

They say it's in the mail

I have yet to see it

Am I weak?

Or am I stubborn?

When do the lies cease?

When does honesty break through

Like sun through the clouds

Scorching these bloodshot eyes

With a cleansing chemical burn of hope

Scraping away these self-inflicted scars

You bastard

You touched me

As I slept

You asshole

You corrupted

My future

My family

My dreams

You polluted my life

Like a worm rots an apple

With your distasteful

Groping, dirty hands

In the night.

More from Katie Wipfler

Definition of Alliteration:

Neurotic negotiators need nasty nipples

to lick like luscious lollipops

During difficult depressions and discrepancies doused with ideas of drugs like...

Coke, crack, crank and smack...leading to;

Sex supplying silly swimming sperm

fiending for fun, fucked females feeling up faggots.

Crazy Christians can question the killing,

But baby boy, bitchy Baptists bust your balls to the walls

Which whistle while they work.

Are You Willing?

Are you willing to swim a traitorous sea or face Lucifer himself to wrap around you the ground beneath me?

Are you willing to allow your breath to escape you when you see me do the things I do?

Are you willing to follow a rough path’s wrath just to hear me laugh?

Are you willing to claim the fragile earth in the name of all I’m worth?

Are you willing to take my hand in support when I make a stand?

Are you willing to take the stars from the sky and place them in my heart so I can fly?

Are you willing to be a man in times of war or give me sex when I want more?

If you’re willing to love me with all your heart, I suppose that’s a damn good start.

Surround the Stars

I look up and all the stars fall around me.

I allowed the universe to set them free.

Slowly drifting and fading out to the soft earth below,

A place where the plush grass can grow.

I tip-toe across the moonlit pond,

only to create this magical bond.

Gentle ripples emerging from my toes touch.

Forming further out in one collected bunch.

The wind speaks in slow gentle breezes.

My thoughts it freezes.

Stealing my breath for lost sanity.

I look up and the stars are my canopy.

Still falling,

The wind still calling.

My body becomes numb and tense.

But the ponds crystal surface remains dense.

 I reach to grasp the twinkling light,

But with too much might...

Only to fall with the stars all around,

So the whole world I can surround.

Must Become Better

Quietly contemplating the urgency to become better.

Attempting to evolve into something meekly indestructible.

Imperfection is no longer invisible.

Got to reach this impractical conception and remain stable.

Don’t think I’m able.

Swirling around looking down I think I found a temporary solution,

Featured Poet of the Month (October 2010): Katie Wipfler

Katie Wipfler is October's featured writer.  She is a writer from Horseheads, NY.  Katie attended Mansfield University before returning to the area.  Her writing includes poetry as well as short stories and children's books.  Look for Katie's work today and Monday!!



No Justice

Seizuring poetry provides no ounce of false justice

as the sky breaths life into an empty night.

A jealous moon clings to its only backbone of security

...being happy just to be.

Raw pierces through the dilation,

Mesmerized by daunting creation.

Impossible becomes powerless.

Definitions, meaningless.

The fury surges forward and ignores how she’s adored,

adorned with inconceivable expectations that flow

from the disillusioned million holding their breaths below.

Comfortable Cravings

Enlighten my curiosity with sexy, slow tenses.

Your sweat beads and drops to salty pools of passion,

As my cravings you fix with grinding intensity.

God’s liquid children cling tightly to my thigh.

I’m high again, reborn to an artificial mother.

My Favorite Detour

Hold your breath and throw down your arms.

Wince and throw back a shot of charm.

Create, don’t exaggerate.

Smiles glow subtle in the night,

growing stronger and burning bright.

Sparks dance on unbridled breezes.

The excitement increases.

Tingles shiver up crooked spines,

as we trip through crooked lines.

Twinkling balls of heat dance alone

And shadow out the stone I chucked below.

Caress what meets your curious eye.

Inhale everyone’s contented sigh.

This contentment is our life’s adventure.

That’s why mine is my favorite detour.

In indecipherable letters and phrases.

Unknowing what each expression is representing,

It’s as naked as I in the heart and other places.

I will never become what I strive to see in others.

I will never be seen naked by someone completely as I desperately pray,

But I can lay rest assured in my thoughts,

I can always see others this way.

Life Is Not Like What People See

No matter how much I wish time would sometimes stop,

Or that someone would see me smile in slow motion,

I know life is not like a movie,

And there is no music in the background to emphasize a moments emotion.

No matter how much I wish someone would slowly brush the hair from my eyes,

Or weep knowing I’m in pain,

I know this is not reality

And life in general is pretty plain.

The reality of life is that people don’t notice subtleties.

People don’t recognize true beauty.

People don’t appreciate the slow motion wonders in life that are free.