Free…as a bird

Falling and rising

Like a silver ribbon

In the sun.

Writing these words

Feels like

Kissing your lips.

These angry voices in my head

Wake me from the deep

In the middle of the night

Screaming, shouting

Violently surging

When do these demons die?

I miss the West Branch

Of the Susquehanna

But I don't miss your lips

I miss the old farmhouse

The bonfires and

Box lightener bugs

But I definitely don't miss you.

Like a bird,

My souls not to be

Caged or fettered,

Yet here I sit,

My prison closing in on me

I can't spread my wings and fly

So I escape out my eyes

Soaring in mind

They can't put a lock

On my imagination,

I will break free,

I will glide across

The vast expanse of sky.

I want to reach inside you,

Just to touch your heart,

To feel your soul

As your body quivers against mine

The breaking silence of night,

As our universes

Collide in a divine dance

Conceived in the wombs

Of the Sapphic  goddesses themselves.

Juan& Joe

Coffee and cigarettes;

My youthful drive

And ambition's fuel.

Late nights of writing

Feverishly by dim light

Sucking away at filters

Like a building alive

And breathing with smoke

Chugging my bitter elixir

To forward my creativity

Twelve years to catch me off guard

Asthmatic lungs

Peaking leathered skin,

And a stomach rotted

Through with acid.

Drink my coffee,

Smoke my cigarettes.

I swam to the ends of the earth

I saw all there was to see

I realized there's nothing in this world for me.

Nothing works

Counseling doesn't work

The drugs don't work

Religion doesn't work

Family doesn't work

Friends don't work

Support system fail

Life fail

Life abort.

Feeling forever forbidden

From following freedom;

Fear, facades, fascism,

Fakes, forgotten follies. 

Fuck!

Feel the pages in your fingers

Daunting you,

You feel

It in you, but your

Hesitation leads

Your procrastination

Refusing to yield yourself

Out onto her

Reluctantly you start,

And slow it flows,

Gradually building,

Racing, exploding forth,

Breaking through it all.

I am a black long stemmed rose,

Which sits gracefully balancing on the

Base of its stem,

To be menaced only by a

Slight suggestion in hushed whisper.

Which leads it to decompose into

A feathery pile of ashen hope,

Only to be swept away by the harsh

Velvety winter wind. 

I have a problem,

And I don't know what to do.

I can tell no one because of the mask I wear.

I need advice but I have lied so much,

Leaving me with no where to tell the truth.

I have so much to say,

So much to ask.

But I cannot,

Or they will know.

With knowledge comes distrust.

Distrust brings me loneliness.

Alone I cry.

Have you ever dreamt of death?

Tasted its sweetness on your lips?

Felt it break into your empty soul?

Needed it to sooth your restless mind?

Have you ever thought love was

The only thing that might not be

Completely corrupt in this hell of a world?

So hollow.

So much pain not felt.

There is no escape.

I need to leave.

I'm caged in.

So much pain.

I lie awake in the dark,

I find my soul longing for you,

Janis sings to me again.

You lay beside me,

Holding me in your warm arms.

I turned to look at you,

But found you only in my imagination.

Darkness envelops the room,

With a chill of winter,

And a brush of sadness,

Snowflakes spell out your name.

Slowly, I drift into a

Painful, restless slumber.

Warm whiteness falls around me.

Lacing my eyelashes like French doily’s.

Covering me, Redness bleeds through the

Fresh fall and into the shape of a heart.

My soul longs for you.  

I miss

Your tender kiss

A week with

Just a wish

If only a little kiss

Could make this

Pain go away

Just a kiss

To make it okay 

This feels like every word

That's ever been written.

Flat and dry.

Sopping with pessimism.

I'm tired from living.

I need a rest.

Maybe the kind

They used to send

Your mommy to for

A few weeks, months,

Years at a time.

A little more complacent.

A tad bit more vacant.

But it's been on autopilot again.

My legs and arms they move 

My mind docile

Dormant like a volcano's

Lava hidden deep beneath,

Churning, building

Waiting to spew.

My jaw clamps tighter and tighter

My teeth grind.

Against each other

Against my pinky.

I scream out, unabashedly,

Without making a sound,

Far louder than the things

Cluttering the floor and

Walls and space of my cerebrum. 

I shout 'I'm not crazy, I'm sane' 

If I repeat it enough

If I can make it louder

Than my ideas and the paths

They tend to meander down,

If if if 

Scratch and claw

With my fingers to get

Inside to try to find,

Like seek and destroy.

Entangled with battle after battle,

Worn and frayed,

My guard is down and

Someone gets a Glimpse,

They see my mess,

That I'm usually so good at hiding.

When they see it

It becomes real and concrete

And I can no longer scream over it

Because it occupies

Everything within and without.

The energies of hiding and denying

Collapse like a bridge snapping in half

And I can't support both anymore.

I can't even support one. 

I crumble like a house of cards

In upon myself. 

Still I scream but my voice fades.

My voice becomes background noise 

And I can't even hear it. 

So these things in my mind

Start to take over completely

And I start to let them.

They push forward,

And at every point of resistance

At every moment that a

Shred of the light of sanity creeps in

To combat this dark with a noble strong effort,

It's crushed,

No matter how hard I try,

It barrels forward destroying all it touches.

Like poison taking course

Spreading through my veins,

Pumped to every inch of a hollow shell.

I feel it killing me.

Like a dam cracking breaking

And waves crashing

Destroying pushing overtaking 

The black, the white

What's wrong

What's right

What's been, what is

The flaws

The judgments

The final calls 

For my sweet, sweet boy...

Kissing sweet little cheeks

Holding pudgy hands

Tickling a swirly button

Smiling back at a toothy grin

Listening to 'guess what's and 'why's

Spinning around until we can't stand up

Falling asleep watching Batman

Killing zombies and monster bucks

Hearing 'I love you'…'I love you, too'.  

Another aside

Some more insight

Solitary monologue

Confused dialogue

Revealing interaction

Obvious affection

Passive aggressive

Partially resistive

Vocally silent

Tragic dissent 

Unwrap me

Smell me

I know you want me
You're drooling

Lick me

Bite me

Taste me

Chew me

Swallow me

Digest me

Deplete me

Excrete me

Arms and a body

That became my four walls

A single window pane

Gazing upon treacherous

Mountain terrain

Inviting a learner

Enticing a lover

Danger calls

With a siren song

Drawing me near

She's become my shelter

Protection from

Exposure to

All my fears