In all my life,

If I had one wish,

I would wish for happiness,

I despise sadness,

Ruining my relations,

Killing my inspirations.

Feeling isolated

And over demonstrated,

Kind of hated

So Unpretty

So comfortable I could vomit.

Forever lasts to long.

Longer than all the songs,

To long for me to sit and ponder.

Sadness stays, and never goes away,

Not even if I want to go and play.

I wish you were here

To kiss away my tears

And chase away the fear.

I wish I could see the future,

Put my arms around you,

Tell you I do love you.

Say it's alright,

And mean it.

Never knowing if we'd achieve it.

I know we've had our problems

I know we don't see eye to eye.

That's not why I love you.

The music plays and plays.

You know we never change.

Roll and smoke our names.

Always hear the same

But always rearrange

Always wonder

When does it end?

I sense the pain

Without the sound.

Please don't deny me

This unobtainable

sacrilegious mercy.

I awoke in shame,

Rose and spoke your name.

My soul splitting in two,

With or without you.

Shards of glass on the floor

You know I need more

I know you need more.

So rich yet,

So poor.

Wanting nothing more.

Silent candles

Whisper your name

Awake me from shame.

When we were young you would beckon me from the playground;

“Come play with me, my friend.”

When we went to school you stated;

“Come teach me, my friend.”

When you got your first car you told me;

“Come drive with me my friend.”

Now that we are old we e-mail each other saying;

“Haven’t seen you in so long, maybe we should get together sometime.”

Sometimes I wonder...

What is the purpose of life?

Why are we here?

Why does anything exist?

We work all our lives for what?

money?

support?

exception?

security?

Why do we need these things?

We're born, we go to school, we go to work,

We retire, we die.

What is the point of everything in between?

We go to school to get a better job to make more money.

Why do we want money?

Pleasure, possessions, things that make us happy.

Therefore life is just one big trip.

So we're back to the problem.

Why do we do this?

Why do we spend our time always dealing with this shit?

Why don't we just die and get it over with?

Why are we scared of death?

Why are we attached to this life?

It's the circle- you live, you die, someone eats your remains.

Is anybody really satisfied with their life?

No. Nobody can be really satisfied.

If anybody was completely satisfied there would be no war and fighting.

It's like I can't handle reality,

Because in reality I'm not good enough for anyone,

I'm not afraid of anything but my own mind.

I try to let it all escape on to paper in my poetry,

But some stays there and just gets bottled up,

And when I release it, it is just aimless rage, which,

Lashes out upon unfairly found victims.

And it is not me, I am usually a laid back calm person.

Scar tissue on my heart builds up inside me.

It is impossible to remove.

I swallow my feelings, never letting them show.

There is a sore from it.

I can feel it gnawing at me.

I don't know why it stays.

Why it won't leave.

Why it won't wipe clean like a whiteboard.

Why they won't leave me alone.

Why I escape into XTC, weed, or drink.

Why I can't handle it.

Why no one understands.

Why no one cares.

Why I care what they think.

Why I care what anyone thinks.

Why they don't care about me.

Why all I ever talk about anymore is me.

Why I am not as smart as I used to be.

Why I feel like I need to impress them,

Or be what they want me to be,

Why I can't be myself.

Why I feel I need to be categorized into them,

Why just when I think I have it all figured out,

I am alerted I am wrong.

I know what this is.

I know what is wrong with me.

My problem is that I cannot find myself.

I don't know who I am.

All I am is an imposter, a fake,

Nothing but a vapor,

I don't exist. 

Cappuccino and Prozac

1 I can't sleep

    I'm so tired,

    I could weep,

    But with a cappuccino I'll be wired.

5 Someone knocked me over

    And I almost lost my pace,

    But I got up, even though

    Everyone called me a disgrace.

    Never discovered my talents,

10 Until I was to old to care,

    Now they are dull and not sharp,

    But as always I will fare.

    My heros, all musicians,

    With lots of nasty habits,

15 Are all dead, never to be seen again.

    Overdosed, deceased, heroin addicts.

    For a while, depressed,

    Always wearing black,

    Never wearing a smile,

20 Lately, I never go back.

    People see my scars

    And always think I'm different,

    "Fragile: Handle with care"

    Gosh, what an inference.

25 All this talk about

    Birds and fears,

    Has me very close

    To a new line of tears.

    My mental status is unstable.

30 Just because I hear voices,

    Doesn't make me unable

    To make my own choices.

   

    From Ritalin to Prozac.

    Always have to have something stronger.

35 From marijuana to heroin.

    Something that might last longer.

    Always hunger for knowledge

    Always to anxious to think.

    Will I ever make it to college?

40 Not me, I'll probably sink.

    Why do we hate

    Based on race?

    When do we learn?

    We all have a soul and a face.

45 Everyone's in such a hurry,

    Keeping a quick pace.

    Don't slow down,

    Someone else might win the race.

   

    Maybe someday

50 I'll shoot myself in the head,

    Like Kurt Cobain did,

    And everyone will see my bloodshed.

    Maybe I'll do to many drugs,

    O.D. laying on the floor.

55 With a needle in my arm,

    Step through the distant door.

    Maybe it's all to late,

    I'll slit my wrists,

    Watch blue turn to red,

60 While clenching the razor in my tight fist.

I think about it more often lately,

Almost never stop thinking about it.

I can see it in my mind,

See the blood,

Taste the wonderful salt touching the blade,

Smell the pain floating away,

Sense the beautiful relief

Say goodbye to the anxiety.

I finger my knife,

I keep it with me,

Just knowing its presence,

Makes me feel secure.