This feels like every word
That's ever been written.
Flat and dry.
Sopping with pessimism.
I'm tired from living.
I need a rest.
Maybe the kind
They used to send
Your mommy to for
A few weeks, months,
Years at a time.
A little more complacent.
A tad bit more vacant.
But it's been on autopilot again.
My legs and arms they move
My mind docile
Dormant like a volcano's
Lava hidden deep beneath,
Churning, building
Waiting to spew.
My jaw clamps tighter and tighter
My teeth grind.
Against each other
Against my pinky.
I scream out, unabashedly,
Without making a sound,
Far louder than the things
Cluttering the floor and
Walls and space of my cerebrum.
I shout 'I'm not crazy, I'm sane'
If I repeat it enough
If I can make it louder
Than my ideas and the paths
They tend to meander down,
If if if
Scratch and claw
With my fingers to get
Inside to try to find,
Like seek and destroy.
Entangled with battle after battle,
Worn and frayed,
My guard is down and
Someone gets a Glimpse,
They see my mess,
That I'm usually so good at hiding.
When they see it
It becomes real and concrete
And I can no longer scream over it
Because it occupies
Everything within and without.
The energies of hiding and denying
Collapse like a bridge snapping in half
And I can't support both anymore.
I can't even support one.
I crumble like a house of cards
In upon myself.
Still I scream but my voice fades.
My voice becomes background noise
And I can't even hear it.
So these things in my mind
Start to take over completely
And I start to let them.
They push forward,
And at every point of resistance
At every moment that a
Shred of the light of sanity creeps in
To combat this dark with a noble strong effort,
It's crushed,
No matter how hard I try,
It barrels forward destroying all it touches.
Like poison taking course
Spreading through my veins,
Pumped to every inch of a hollow shell.
I feel it killing me.
Like a dam cracking breaking
And waves crashing
Destroying pushing overtaking
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